WAITING

HEARING VOICES

One of the outcomes from my course at Dr Hinkelmanns's academy for the advancement in manners and social standing was an explanation as to why I had been hearing voices most of my life. Dr Hinkelmann told me that I had an alter ego sitting on my shoulder making suggestions that would drive my bad behaviour and that I had to learn how to  only listen to the good suggestions. After being told that, I concentrated hard when looking in the mirror and one day I could see my alter ego.

I named him Noel. For the life of me though I don't know why he was a schwarzer. He would try to embarrass me at every opportunity by making me stare down women's blouses, ogle their legs and bottoms and even, once, to stand under the stairs and look up their skirts. Noel was bad. When caught out I would try to explain that it wasn't my fault, it was Noel's but as people couldn't see him they just gave me funny looks and moved away quickly. Sometimes I would get slapped. This was socially embarrassing but privately very enjoyable and would lead me to another level of erogenous experimentation. More later.

SELF IMPROVEMENT

My lack of success in finding the right companion of the opposite sex (and not a weird one) made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. The self doubt led me to investigate ways of making myself more charming, more desirable and an overall better person. I enrolled in Dr Hinkelmanns's academy for the advancement in manners and social standing. This was a 12 week course of very strenuous exercise, healthy eating, facial and scalp massages and instruction in polite conversation, politics, economics and social graces. The results were outstanding. I was ready to face the world again. More later.

GOING DOWN

Having given up on Minnie I decided to have a go at Matilda, her older sister. Matilda wasn't as good looking as Minnie but as I was getting older I thought that I should lower my standards a little like some friends of mine who would court the ugliest, fattest and most unpleasant females in the hope of 'getting lucky'.
Matilda I must admit was strange, even by my standards. She used to like to dress up and have me do the same. "Oh well" I thought, its means to an end. One day I thought that I had 'got lucky' when Matilda said that she had discovered the joys of diving and invited me to her rooms to indulge.

The reality was a bit different from what I had envisaged. More later.

FIRST ROUND

The mad Manowski sisters played with my affections for a while and no matter how hard I tried to play with them they wouldn't let me near other than being astride a bicycle. I grew frustrated and decided that the only way forward was to make  declarations of love supported by the true intention of marriage.
I approached Minnie Manowski first, thinking that as the youngest she might be the most vulnerable. 
What I didn't know was that somewhere back in her past she had been mistreated or jilted or something and was very defensive in her dealings with young men. All of my attempts at intimacy, no matter that they were couched in fervent declarations of true intention, were rebuffed. I had, in my rooms, contemplated how I might slip my hands down her blouse or up her skirts but the reality was quite different. I was unable to get even near an embrace without a severe boxing around my ears. 

Alas, after months of trying and suffering from mild concussion, I abandoned my pursuit of Minnie. More later.

PLANCKING

The teenagers are thinking that they have invented the new craze 'planking'.

 Huh. When I was young we used to do the real thing with old Max.

Max was my physics tutor in Berlin and on Friday nights we would have fun watching him get pissed in the beer hall. He would usually proclaim "My unavailing attempts to somehow reintegrate the action quantum into classical theory has extended over several years and caused me much trouble" before going completely rigid. My fellow students and I would carry him out each week and position him on top of different places of interest around the city. We called it 'Plancking'.

Nothing new under the sun I guess.

KNEE TREMBLER

Eventually my endless perambulation came to the notice of some ladies. They also had an interest in bi-axle rotating transportation, albeit for different reasons than my own. I was seeking solace between firm yet mysteriously soft thighs. They were just crazy. The mad Manowski sisters, unknown to me, had a reputation around town.

They were rich. Filthy rich but unfortunately the filthy aspect was just a measure of their wealth, not of their disposition. After a few Sunday's circuits of the park and nearby boulevards they invited me home to their villa. Villa was an understatement. They lived in a huge and well maintained city residenz that gave me a strange tingling in the nether regions.

We dined, listened to music (a most disagreeable double bass performance) and retired to a drawing room for schnapps and brandy. Even though Agnes the hen had rather diminished my functional capabilities at an early age I still thought that this night was going to be the big experience. Imagine my disappointment and frankly my concern when the 'drawing room' was in fact some sort of gymnasium and the sisters were all set to play. Play what I wondered. More later.

BONE SHAKER

As I grew older it dawned on me that the smoking not only wasn't making me look debonaire enough to pick up women, it was also making me unfit. I decided to exercise a bit more and took to perambulating around the local park on Sundays with mein freund.

We got some amazed looks which I put down to the fact that I was dressed in my Sunday best. After a few months of this I still hadn't attracted the attention of the opposite sex so more drastic measures were called for. More later.

FEELING HORNY

Eventually I realised that I couldn't rely on just my good looks and the cultivated debonaire pose to pick up women. I had to have a schtick. I read that young women were impressed by musicians, liking their 'dangerous' edge, so I borrowed an instrument and began hanging around in bars and cafes with it. I couldn't play anything so hoped no-one would ask me to. Strangely no one did.

It was only later that I learned that women liked jazz musicians and none of them played the French horn. More later.

SMOKING TO LOOK COOL

As I grew older I was aware, from watching cigarette advertisements, that smoking was cool and sophisticated. I cultivated a 'lounge lizard' pose that made me look quite debonaire I thought.

I was usually so concentrated on the pose at parties though that I often didn't notice interest from eligible young ladies and missed out on opportunities. More later.

SMOKING

Another reason for giving up football, other than Anselme beating me up all the time, was that my fitness level was low due to my smoking

I had taken up the habit at an early age and it became a big part of my life. Mother and Father weren't around to discourage me and nanny thought that it made me look rather sophisticated. More later.

OFFSIDE

Mein freund and I played along well for a while but eventually we became disgruntled with each other. He said that I didn't follow the rules, in particular, the off-side rule. He went to great pains to explain to me what I was doing wrong. For my part I couldn't understand the rule and, even if I did, it should not apply to us as there were only the two of us playing. Our debates went on and on until Anselme would eventually wrestle me to the ground and pummel me senseless. Oh friendship. You can't beat it.

MEIN FREUND ANSELME

I mentioned mein freund Anselme in the last post so thought that I should explain things about him. He was strange. My parents, being away a lot, gave him to me when he was quite small. I was too. They thought that he would be a better role model for me than Agnes the chicken. Anselme loved to play football and eventually he got me interested in the game. We had a lot of fun playing this football but I soon got tired of it. No one else wanted to play with us so it was just the two of us on a great big football field running up and down. We had to take turns being the goalie. Anselme used to let me win some times hoping to keep me interested. More later.

Anselme in goal

ADOLPHESCENCE

I remained confused as I grew into adolescence and my parents grew worried when they occasionally visited me from their homes in either Austria or Argentina. My father was an instruments engineer and said that he was developing a special sort of gyroscope for ships compasses ...I wondered. My mother was a research chemist and said that she was investigating a cure for malaria....I wondered. They pulled some strings and removed me from the HJ and enlisted me with the Einsatzgruppe as a cadet. Although I was really too young for this the commander seemed to like me ("nice legs" he said) and took me on as his personal assistant. I liked this group as they played by different rules and while there was still strict codes to be followed re uniform for parades etc., at camp we could do what we wanted.

Mein freund Anselm took this photograph of me one Christmas morning. He was a funny chap.
We did a lot of orientation exercises as the commander said that soon we would be going on expeditions. More later.

GROWING PAINS

I tried boys but found that, like girls they were disappointing. They lacked the 'bite' that really excited me so I made friends with the chicken and we had some great experiences over the next few years.
More later.

"Was it good for you?"

PUBERTY WAS A SURPRISE

When I was young in my home country, at a certain age I started to have lustful feelings and was forever playing with myself for pleasure. At every opportunity I would put my Wilhelm into holes, nooks and crannies, not really sure why but something innate told me that this is what it was for.
Once, on the farm when I had put Wilhelm through a knothole in a fence, a big chicken on the other side, thinking that it was a worm, bit it off. It hurt. It also affected my ability to have normal relationships with girls. To be honest, I wasn't really worried about that as although I wanted to look like a girl I didn't really like their company, preferring boys. More later.

GOD'S WORK

Opus Dei, my little society that I dedicate my life to, believes in sanctity and that everyone, regardless of what they have done in their earlier life, can be called to holiness. Sure, we are secretive, but no more than Rotary and Lions and certainly no more than the Masons (I’m also a Mason) and we do keep in contact with the world. Every night I am out and about, usually between the hours of 2am and dawn, just keeping an eye on things and certain people. I know that there has been some bad press about us in recent times, talking about our recruiting methods, our strict rules governing members, our celibacy and our mortification of the flesh, our misogyny, our extreme right-wing sympathies that some people have called fascism – but, believe me this is all in keeping with the operating principles of the Vatican and my old friend Benny the Pope, so it can’t be all bad can it?

I am a bit concerned that this coming weekend there are two films screening on TV based on that old whistle-blowing faggot Dan Brown.

 Admittedly most people think that what he says has been debunked but there are likely to be some very stupid people and some very clever people (I calculate these as the bottom 10% and the top 10% of the population that will believe the conspiracies suggested.

Can I just suggest that you view another channel? There is bound to be a Richard Gere or a Bruce Willis or an Arnie Swarzenegger  film to watch instead. Mmmm?

LISTEN UP

One of the skills that I learned when I was a young gir lad was listening. In fact we were encouraged to actively listen and to be observant of the people around us who impacted on our daily lives. Having been drawn into this blogging community by Robert, my Catholic buddy (not a Drive-in Saturday acquaintance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAqUDDMhfA0 ) but more of a Sunday 'shake - the hand- of - the - person - next - to - you kind of relationship, I cannot help myself learning a bit about you all.

The big bus guy who purports to direct all communication was an obvious first choice for intensive observation so I headed North and located him in Nuova Lazio. His work/home ratio was a bit weird and I suspected him of leading some sort of double life ( an affair, a member of Lions or Rotary) but it turned out that he was a schoolteacher - enough said.

 I set up listening equipment (physical observation was proving difficult as it was just so fucking boring that I kept falling asleep) which I monitored from a distance of about 10 km and recorded. I had to replace my recording equipment twice as I thought that it was defective. Quite often there was a bizarre droning sound overriding the various conversations, rumbling noises, mumbling and screeches that seemed to make up the normal sounds emanating from his residence. Having ascertained that this was a natural occurrence/ hazard peculiar to the residence I learned to edit this out. amongst the thousands of hours of recordings that I have made I have this transcript that I wish to share with you hoping that you might enlighten me as to its relevance.

Place : Nuava Lazio
Date : 4 April 2011
Time : 18.48

Shelley: Richard, stop that noise, tea is on the table.
Richard: Mabel? I don't know anyone  called Mabel. Tell her I'm busy.
Shelley: Hurry up. If you don't come now it will get cold.
Richard: Old? Hey Shelley, love of my life, there's still life in me yet or are you talking about 'Gloria'?
Shelley: The peas are hardening and I already don't like the look of that gravy.
Richard: Navy? I prefer black, I thought that you would know that by now.
Shelley: (under her breath - For Fuck's sake!). Do you want a glass of wine?
Richard: Yes please. Chardonnay.

AMV - Sailor Uranus & Sailor Neptune: T.a.T.u. - Gomenasai

I'm really liking this and thought that I would share with you all to brighten your Monday. Please enjoy.

HE ALONE WHO OWNS THE YOUTH GAINS THE FUTURE

When I was young sports were compulsory. There was no excuse for not being involved. The sports master would demand to see a doctor's certificate if you said you could not play. We were formed into groups like the HJ which was a little bit like the Boy Scouts with a focus on clean living, competition, drill work, sport and buggery. The HJ, like the Boy Scouts had its fair share of perverts and paedophiles
who liked to beat us and make us have endless scalding showers. There were two sections the J and the M.
I liked to flit between both as in the M, I could indulge my creative interests

and in the J, I could vent my frustrations and anger with rock-climbing, football and firing guns

I met my life-long friend Benny  http://jesusthekid3.blogspot.com/2011/03/benny-says-cool-it-ja.html at the clubs. He used to do a bit of flitting as well. He's done well for himself recently. Congratulations Benny. This Catholic thing is the thing Ja?

EASTER IS COMING - BETTER PICK A RELIGION

What are you going to do this Easter? It pays to be prepared as it could be embarrassing if you turn up to the wrong service inappropriately dressed. The following video clip provides some options and highlights the benefits of the various religions. I have also liked the latin mass with its mystery and music. The comparison of it to Inspector Morse is apt and inspired. Both have good music, have incomprehensible plots and a main character whose first name no one knows.

THE HIGHEST SINGLE DIGIT IN THE DECIMAL SYSTEM

Richard (of RBB) raised an interesting question in a recent post. He asked "Why can't I see my willy?"
Oh, hold on, no that's not it He resigned himself to that problem a long time ago. Just a moment ... dum de dum de dum... here it is.. he asked "Why are there Seven Deadly Sins?" or something stupid like that. Well, I'm not the bloody pope nor am I the editor of The Tablet but I'll give the answer a go. It is because. Enough said OK. You gotta have faith as that sodomite George Michael said (why has he got two Christian names? He gives us a bad reputation). But, I digress. As I was browsing through the book section in the Petone St Vincent de Paul's shop and as the best pages were torn out, or gummed together in the books I was 'researching' - Mandingo, Lady Chatterly's Lover, Lolita, The Little Boy's Guide to the Catechism -  I began to think a little more of Richard's question. Pedalling back home I came up with some sins and commandments more relevant to our daily lives:

1.  Thou shalt not flush the toilet or wash the dishes whilst someone else is in the shower (unless you don't like them).
2.  Thou shalt not eat someone else's lunch that they have left in he communal fridge at work (sneak a bite or one of the sandwiches if they are unlikely to notice)
3. Thou shalt replace the toilet role if you used up the last of the toilet paper
4.  Thou shalt indicate correctly when turning left or right or, at a roundabout if going straight ahead.
5. Thou shalt, at a fast food counter or indeed at any counter including hotel check-ins or check-outs, anticipate in advance what goods or services you require and promptly and courteously conduct the transaction.
6. Thou shalt if returning to your car parked on the street or in a car-park, enter and move away as quickly as possible. Do not sit there adding up the till receipt, applying make-up or otherwise being a nuisance if there is someone else wanting the space.
7. Thou shalt when driving on the open road keep to the left and, if you are a slow driver do not speed up at passing lanes.
8. Thou shalt not answer your cellphone during a film at the picture theatre nor conduct loud conversations nor consume any noisy or smelly foodstuffs.
9. Thou shalt not make disparaging, rude or blasphemous comments on my other blog if I decide to start it up again.

I will call these nine pieces of advice the Nine Nice Neologisms.

Go in peace and please let me know what happened on page 127 to 135 of Lady Chatterly's Lover.

BENNY SAYS "COOL IT JA?"

VATICAN CITY NEWS RELEASE

Pope Benedict XVI appealed today for a suspension of fighting in Libya and the immediate start of a serious dialogue aimed at restoring peace to the North African country.
Speaking at his weekly blessing March 27, the pope said he was increasingly concerned at the news from Libya, where rebels supported by U.S. and European airstrikes have battled the forces of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi.
The pope offered a prayer for "the return of harmony in Libya" and throughout North Africa.
He also expressed concern about the entire region of the Middle East, where episodes of violence and civil unrest were taking place daily. In Syria, more than 50 people were reported killed in anti-government demonstrations in late March.
He said "How in zer hell can ve mount a new Crusade against zese infidels if zey are all primed up and armed for zer confrontations Ja? Ve prefer zat zey are having zere pants down. My Crusade is not planned until 2012 zo it is best if everone settles down OK"

IF A TREE FELL IN THE WOODS AND NO ONE WAS AROUND TO HEAR IT FALL WOULD IT MAKE A SOUND?

Well, here's proof that it would although my wife passing by the door thought that I was passing.... wind.


Tree Falling In Woods Sounds | Effects | Sound Bites | Sound Clips from SoundBible.com

In my other Blog I wrote three glorious posts (careful Second, Pride is a sin - Editor) and then deleted them. No-one commented (I won't allow that) and I don't know if anyone read them (vanity is also a sin so I have deleted my blog counter also). They existed though just like God does even if you cannot see or hear him. Sanctus Sanctus Sanctus, Dominus Deus Saboath.

NO COMMENT

I don't allow comments on my other blog  http://bloodyoldsillybugger.blogspot.com/  Its not because I think that the comments are in any way inferior but they challenge my natural order of things. Some of the individuals leaving comments are morally suspect. I am worried that loyal readers of my blog will follow the links back to their blogs and be exposed to:

• salacious, prurient, deviant and even pornographic images. One of them actually puts on images of semi-naked women.
• blasphemous ideology and irreligious images. One has actually suggested that dedicated brothers in the faith made lewd advances to him when he was a schoolboy.
• Provocative and dangerous opinions in regard to the proper place of women in society. One has, with the support of others leaving comments, advocated the use of alcohol to seduce a man and the general indulgence in pre-marital relations.

If you must leave comments feel free to leave your filth here so others can witness your depravity. My other blog however will remain pure and unsullied and will carry God's message to true believers.

My wife and I have been wall papering the front room all day. It's starting to look like a comfortable place to be, with funky pink curtains, leopard skin lampshades and lots of lime-green. Richard will feel at home when he vissits. I'll finish wallpapering around the front window tomorrow and then start on tiling the fire place.